Despite being distracted somewhere since March that Sec 3 year, I still emerged first runners-up in most of the U16G tournaments, coming behind Huishan who was one year my senior. In the September leg which she did not play due to her ‘O’ levels, I was crowned the U16G champion. On that same day, I also beat Weiting, who was 2 years my senior, to win the Ladies ‘E’ Grade in the Graded Tournament.
But sadly, that was the last age group tournament that I ever won for the rest of my life.
The rest was starting to close the gap given my impeded progress and I graciously enabled their ‘breakthrough’ by committing the silliest mistake the following year …
The first age group tournament in the new year saw myself being seeded No 1 in the U16G draw. As usual, the tournament was held during the later part of the March school holidays. We had 2 matches that fateful day, with the later one being the quarterfinals. We should all have easy matches that morning and I guess the final eight were myself, Chinwee, Janice (MGS), Vicki (MGS), Nur (TKGS), Weiwei, Minmin and maybe Yanjun. Pure deduction here of course.
So after that morning game, we all packed our bags and headed towards KFC for lunch. There was a family meal promotion! We gouged ourselves silly on fried chicken and I had mine with generous helpings of chilli. As usual, we were joking around and having our fun. Little thought went into the afternoon match.
I thought mine would be an easy game. After all I had thrashed Nur every time we met previously. The last time we played could have been early that year for some selections where I won 27-5: 9-0, 9-0, 9-5. (I am really testing my memory here.)
But no, how wrong I was. She had improved quite substantially since the last time we met. I won the first two sets relatively easy and suddenly in the third, my tummy acted up. I felt a burning sensation and my limbs went cold. I panicked and lost focus. I started making mistakes and allowed her to take control of the game. I had to run more than I should have and the chilli made a greater show of its prowess. I lost the third set and I went out of the court totally exhausted and scared. Ansari probably would have given me his stern look, told me not to look like a wimp and go back in to finish off the match. I cannot remember whether the match ended in four sets or went to five. I probably struggled hard but eventually, I did win that match. I was pretty shaken though.
Of course, I got scolded for not knowing better and having fried chicken so close to my match. How could I not know that the body would give priority to digesting the protein chucks in my stomach rather than fuelling my legs with energy? Oh well, the foolishness of youth.
The next morning was the semi-finals with Vicki. I went into court with a sore body and a wavering spirit. I probably won the first set and lost the next two when the effects from the previous match kicked in. The tiredness, the fear, the anxiety, the lack of focus and everything that was building up over the past year.
In the fourth set, I was trailing 0-8. I suppose I had that fight and pride that picked me up for that final moment. Pulled myself together and clawed back point by point. It was a tough going and after many rallies, I got to 8-8. The pressure was immense. It was a close fight to the finish but I did not manage to turn the table around. I would have got her if I had come back to win that set from 0-8 down. But that day she walked off the court as the winner. Final score was more likely to be 8-10. I am not sure.
That was the first time she beat me.
I gave a walkover for the 3rd/4th position playoff that afternoon. I could not find the strength to play anymore. Janice won that tournament and Vicki was second. My spirit was broken. Coming in fourth for a tournament I was expected to win.
I was not the same player ever since.
I never beat Vicki after that. That bad experience haunted me and every time I played her, I hit mental blocks. As for Nur, I held up against her for sometime before I eventually crumpled as well, brought down again due to mental issues. And against Janice, I have probably won more matches than I lost for the times we played.
I kept away from KFC, from fast food for the longest time.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
The Harbours from Before: I write this with a heavy heart ...
I was flowing along smoothly and doing well in squash until teenagehood caught me. Friendships, relationships, search for self-identity, entertainment … All sorts of distractions that fought for that mind space and took the attention away from squash. But I think I would have still managed and continued my rise if not for that one choice …
Yah, I was just a little carefree innocent soul with my ever famous *beam beam* until I chose to interact too closely with thoughts so fearful and destructive. It was hard for me to grasp why one would want to think so negatively, be so insecure and hold on so tightly. There were some other aspects which I could not understand either. I fought those personalities and tried to change them. But I guess you could never change someone. At the end of it, my mind was in turmoil. I was totally tired and confused. I lost my sense of clarity.
I was in Sec 3 then and you could call that traumatic period my dark ages. Things just did not go right. I had allowed fear to seep into my soul. I found that I could not play with that same focus as before and my progress was impeded. I managed to maintain my position in the age group until that fateful match which blew it all. I will describe this in a later post.
My entire world came tumbling down. However at this moment, I cannot quite describe the intensity of those torrential emotions I went through then. Maybe I have really let them go.
I can only recall having nights that I had to cry myself to sleep. I wondered why all those things were happening to me. I only wanted to have that peace of mind and get back to playing joyful squash. But I just could not.
I wrote quite a bit to Ansari over that period. I still remember one analogy he used in one of those emails.
Imagine you are riding a horse and have been thrown off suddenly. The horse continues charging at full speed mindlessly. Your foot is dead caught in the stirrup and you are being rapidly dragged along. What can you do?
Either get killed or get up the horse again.
I struggled. It was painful.
Was that part and parcel of growing up?
(On a side note, I did sure grow then. I shot up 10 cm in a year and at the same time, put on another 20 kg. Gosh. The extra weight only served to bring my squash down further as I moved around in court like a sack of potatoes.)
I wonder if I could go back in time, I would have still made that same choice. Perhaps, as there was something I had to learn.
Yet this would be the wiser me speaking and such is the problem with hindsight.
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
ps: Yiqing, no copyright issues over the title I hope ... ;-)
Yah, I was just a little carefree innocent soul with my ever famous *beam beam* until I chose to interact too closely with thoughts so fearful and destructive. It was hard for me to grasp why one would want to think so negatively, be so insecure and hold on so tightly. There were some other aspects which I could not understand either. I fought those personalities and tried to change them. But I guess you could never change someone. At the end of it, my mind was in turmoil. I was totally tired and confused. I lost my sense of clarity.
I was in Sec 3 then and you could call that traumatic period my dark ages. Things just did not go right. I had allowed fear to seep into my soul. I found that I could not play with that same focus as before and my progress was impeded. I managed to maintain my position in the age group until that fateful match which blew it all. I will describe this in a later post.
My entire world came tumbling down. However at this moment, I cannot quite describe the intensity of those torrential emotions I went through then. Maybe I have really let them go.
I can only recall having nights that I had to cry myself to sleep. I wondered why all those things were happening to me. I only wanted to have that peace of mind and get back to playing joyful squash. But I just could not.
I wrote quite a bit to Ansari over that period. I still remember one analogy he used in one of those emails.
Imagine you are riding a horse and have been thrown off suddenly. The horse continues charging at full speed mindlessly. Your foot is dead caught in the stirrup and you are being rapidly dragged along. What can you do?
Either get killed or get up the horse again.
I struggled. It was painful.
Was that part and parcel of growing up?
(On a side note, I did sure grow then. I shot up 10 cm in a year and at the same time, put on another 20 kg. Gosh. The extra weight only served to bring my squash down further as I moved around in court like a sack of potatoes.)
I wonder if I could go back in time, I would have still made that same choice. Perhaps, as there was something I had to learn.
Yet this would be the wiser me speaking and such is the problem with hindsight.
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
-- Little Miss Sunshine
ps: Yiqing, no copyright issues over the title I hope ... ;-)
Sunday, February 11, 2007
intehflow is one
Yes, it has been a year since I started this blog.
A lot has happened over the past year and currently I am slowly coming back to Self. Certain things broke down along the way and I guess I was depressed for a while. It is not easy to let some things go.
Sometimes we think we have let go of our traumatic experiences and that we are no longer affected by them. It is only when some trigger is pulled that we get hit full blown in the face again. Those bad memories and experiences will always be lurking around and waiting for the right moment to pounce. The more you hide, the greater the impact. Do not deny their presence. Admit they still have an effect on you. Only then you are on the path to releasing them completely.
I am still learning.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
A lot has happened over the past year and currently I am slowly coming back to Self. Certain things broke down along the way and I guess I was depressed for a while. It is not easy to let some things go.
Sometimes we think we have let go of our traumatic experiences and that we are no longer affected by them. It is only when some trigger is pulled that we get hit full blown in the face again. Those bad memories and experiences will always be lurking around and waiting for the right moment to pounce. The more you hide, the greater the impact. Do not deny their presence. Admit they still have an effect on you. Only then you are on the path to releasing them completely.
I am still learning.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-- Marianne Williamson
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The Harbours from Before: National Schools
We were the 8th batch. Weiwei, Minmin, Liling, Yanjun and myself …
The ‘C’ division team was finally decided sometime in early 1995 and we played our first Milo Age Group tournament during the March holidays. I emerged second, losing to Jacey Shi from Nanyang Girls in the finals. I can’t recall much about the match, except for the fact that she served real hard and I had problems with the returns. Probably lost 5, 6 points per game on just the service alone. Nonetheless, I got my first deserving trophy and a huge tin of Milo.
We went back and trained hard for the next important tournament, the National Schools Championship. We probably did thousands of services and returns over that period. I think I developed some sort of phobia for services and returns and the next time I met Jacey Shi on court, I froze even more badly upon hearing the sound of her services.
We lost the ‘C’ division National Schools title to Nanyang Girls that year.
Minmin played the first tie with Gail and did not manage to deliver the expected point. And when it was my turn, I went in with anxiety gnawing my heart. I had to win this match but I had just lost to Jacey Shi a few weeks ago. I felt so much pressure … I did not want to be the one losing the deciding match, the one causing a break in the chain of consecutive Championship titles won. I felt all eyes on me and I felt my legs going soft. In the end, I played like a frightened little mouse (yes, I was still little then) scrambling in the court. I was even further from beating her this time around.
Weiwei won the third tie but it did not change the fact that we had already lost the ‘C’ division title. We had a good cry in the YCK toilet. It was a very upsetting defeat, especially since I was the one who lost that deciding match in a most unrespectable fashion. I felt like I had let a whole lot of people down. My teammates, my coach and my seniors who had worked hard to build that string of titles before me … We could have won the 5th consecutive title.
But I guess in the end, the defeat served to bond the team together and motivate us to train harder. Another three months down the road, I won the U14G title in the 2nd leg of the Milo Age Group Circuit, dispatching Jacey Shi rather effortlessly on the way to victory. And we clinched 3 out of the top 4 positions in our category.
As a team, we never lost another National Schools Championship. No other team would even harbour the thought of beating us. It was virtually impossible as all 7 players in our team would be able to beat at least the 2nd or 3rd player in any other teams. It would take a miracle for any one team to get 3 ties out of the 5. They could only fight for the 2nd berth while we set our sights at winning our matches 135-0.
I recall winning the finals against ACJC with the score of 135 plus a few points to 13 in JC2. Minmin dropped a set to Junjun, giving away 9 whole points out of that 13. Yah, it is a team I will always be proud of.
To Weiwei, Minmin, Yanjun, Liling: Thanks for walking those early days with me. You guys made the times very memorable … training, playing doubles, chalets, parties, Fun tournaments, Christmas walks, organizing tournaments (with plate events, but sadly no forks and spoons), holiday programmes, day camps …
You know, I still look back to that ‘C’ division title with a tinge of regrets. We were a much stronger team. If only it was based on a best-of-5 lineup … Perhaps it was just our luck that they made the change only in the year right after us … what a pity.
RGS Squash, our first ten years of proud history …
B Division
1988 Second Runners-up
1989 Champions
1990 Champions
1991 Champions
1992 Champions
1993 Champions
1994 Champions
1995 Champions
1996 Champions
1997 Champions
C Division
1988 Champions
1989 Champions
1990 First Runners-up
1991 Champions
1992 Champions
1993 Champions
1994 Champions
1995 First Runners-up
1996 Champions
1997 First Runners-up
The ‘C’ division team was finally decided sometime in early 1995 and we played our first Milo Age Group tournament during the March holidays. I emerged second, losing to Jacey Shi from Nanyang Girls in the finals. I can’t recall much about the match, except for the fact that she served real hard and I had problems with the returns. Probably lost 5, 6 points per game on just the service alone. Nonetheless, I got my first deserving trophy and a huge tin of Milo.
We went back and trained hard for the next important tournament, the National Schools Championship. We probably did thousands of services and returns over that period. I think I developed some sort of phobia for services and returns and the next time I met Jacey Shi on court, I froze even more badly upon hearing the sound of her services.
We lost the ‘C’ division National Schools title to Nanyang Girls that year.
Minmin played the first tie with Gail and did not manage to deliver the expected point. And when it was my turn, I went in with anxiety gnawing my heart. I had to win this match but I had just lost to Jacey Shi a few weeks ago. I felt so much pressure … I did not want to be the one losing the deciding match, the one causing a break in the chain of consecutive Championship titles won. I felt all eyes on me and I felt my legs going soft. In the end, I played like a frightened little mouse (yes, I was still little then) scrambling in the court. I was even further from beating her this time around.
Weiwei won the third tie but it did not change the fact that we had already lost the ‘C’ division title. We had a good cry in the YCK toilet. It was a very upsetting defeat, especially since I was the one who lost that deciding match in a most unrespectable fashion. I felt like I had let a whole lot of people down. My teammates, my coach and my seniors who had worked hard to build that string of titles before me … We could have won the 5th consecutive title.
But I guess in the end, the defeat served to bond the team together and motivate us to train harder. Another three months down the road, I won the U14G title in the 2nd leg of the Milo Age Group Circuit, dispatching Jacey Shi rather effortlessly on the way to victory. And we clinched 3 out of the top 4 positions in our category.
As a team, we never lost another National Schools Championship. No other team would even harbour the thought of beating us. It was virtually impossible as all 7 players in our team would be able to beat at least the 2nd or 3rd player in any other teams. It would take a miracle for any one team to get 3 ties out of the 5. They could only fight for the 2nd berth while we set our sights at winning our matches 135-0.
I recall winning the finals against ACJC with the score of 135 plus a few points to 13 in JC2. Minmin dropped a set to Junjun, giving away 9 whole points out of that 13. Yah, it is a team I will always be proud of.
To Weiwei, Minmin, Yanjun, Liling: Thanks for walking those early days with me. You guys made the times very memorable … training, playing doubles, chalets, parties, Fun tournaments, Christmas walks, organizing tournaments (with plate events, but sadly no forks and spoons), holiday programmes, day camps …
You know, I still look back to that ‘C’ division title with a tinge of regrets. We were a much stronger team. If only it was based on a best-of-5 lineup … Perhaps it was just our luck that they made the change only in the year right after us … what a pity.
_____________________________________________________
Achievements from 1988 to 1997 …RGS Squash, our first ten years of proud history …
B Division
1988 Second Runners-up
1989 Champions
1990 Champions
1991 Champions
1992 Champions
1993 Champions
1994 Champions
1995 Champions
1996 Champions
1997 Champions
C Division
1988 Champions
1989 Champions
1990 First Runners-up
1991 Champions
1992 Champions
1993 Champions
1994 Champions
1995 First Runners-up
1996 Champions
1997 First Runners-up
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